9 Days To Go

So, now I guess I've begun to experience some of the roller-coaster emotions that certainly would be expected in an experience like I am beginning to have. Most of the week I was bouyed by the concern and love of supporters. Also, I think I was a bit numb. Well, it wore off over the weekend and I had some sad and discouraged moments. Thought about how nice it would be to go back to being 6-years-old again and be able to sit on Mommy's lap and be comforted. Over the last 34 years since my mother died that has been an off and on again wish. When you are "motherless" you either find a way to get soothing or you search for it endlessly. I've done both. Usually I have been soothed by another person, who knowingly or not, was able to bring some comfort when needed. This weekend, my good visiting teacher, Gloria, did what she is so good at doing and just dropped off a lovely bouquet and a sweet note of support. Also, another dear friend took time to talk to me and let me cry a little and just listened. That is a precious gift.

So I have about 9 days to go until the appointment with the surgeon and the beginning of the treatment. I want to go there prepared and so I plan to be reading and making a list of questions. That is the advice in the literature and on the websites I have so far looked at. I find I can only do that so long. It gets overwhelming. I need to think about other things and turn off the refrain that plays in my mind over and over . . . "I have cancer. I have breast cancer. Unbelievable. I have cancer." I guess that will be repeating and repeating until it has sunk in and I have accepted this new part of my identity. I think I would rather have some other new label, but this cannot be changed and so I will try to get my heart and mind to incorporate something new about myself.

An explanation of the title of my blog

Okay, I just looked at the first entry and realized some or many would think, "What could be wonderful about finding out you have breast cancer?"

Believe me, getting that news was anything BUT wonderful! No, it was scary to the extreme. However, wonderful things happened in my life before cancer and they still do happen after that word has become a part of my self-image.

Here are some of the wonderful things that have happened:

Peace and calmness are still with me. Am I just in a denial state? Perhaps somewhat. However, knowing is better than not knowing. Also, I believe that this is a gift from God. It is also partly a self-protecting psychological defense.

Loved ones and friends have rallied around me. I am filled with gratitude for this. They have let me talk, and talk, and talk. Some have offered specific kinds of help. It is such a gift to be inspired in how to help someone in need.

Humor is still in my life. I have been given some funny jokes and I have been able to see humor and absurdity in some of these events.

The weather has been so nice this week. I have been enjoying the walks from the parking lot into work.

The doctors and professionals I have encountered have been kind, competent, caring, and decent. I did not have to wait for days to find out the diagnosis.

I was given a new book. Not a book I wanted - Susan Love's Breast Book - but still for someone like me, who owns thousands of books, it may be one of the best books I'll ever read.

My family doctor spent more than an hour last evening checking in with me over the phone. Amazing to me that she would do this, but so very much appreciated and uplifting.

So, cancer is not wonderful. Life is wonderful. There are wonderful parts of every day. I want to celebrate them and establish a basket full of wonderful memories, thoughts, images, poetry, music, feelings, encounters, and people so that in the times to come that may really, really suck I can remember and remind myself that my life is more than cancer and I have a lot to live for. I'll try not to be a Pollyanna wanna-be, but I do want to be more positive than negative, more grateful than angry, more giving then self-centered, more knowledgeable than ignorant, and more happy than sad.

The first post

Only 4 days since my diagnosis and already I am learning and experiencing life so much more fully than bbc (before breast cancer). I am thinking of d-day (diagnosis day) as the beginning of a journey that I am going to take. And I thought going to Italy was a great idea! Little did I know that there were greater things in store for me. At least, today on d-day+4 I think that there are great things in store.

Clearly, I do know that there will be negative and unplesant parts of the journey. In fact, I know that I have no clue, no reality about this journey. Only that it is before me and I have no choice but to go ahead.

This blog is going to be my record and a way of communicating with anyone who might have an interest. I hope there will be interesting, provoking, maybe sometimes informative, and even funny entries in this blog. Already I have asked 2 of my supporters to be on the lookout for humor that will help me laugh and keep my perspective grounded in this time of my life.

So, here I am . . . on the threshold, taking the first steps.