9 Days To Go

So, now I guess I've begun to experience some of the roller-coaster emotions that certainly would be expected in an experience like I am beginning to have. Most of the week I was bouyed by the concern and love of supporters. Also, I think I was a bit numb. Well, it wore off over the weekend and I had some sad and discouraged moments. Thought about how nice it would be to go back to being 6-years-old again and be able to sit on Mommy's lap and be comforted. Over the last 34 years since my mother died that has been an off and on again wish. When you are "motherless" you either find a way to get soothing or you search for it endlessly. I've done both. Usually I have been soothed by another person, who knowingly or not, was able to bring some comfort when needed. This weekend, my good visiting teacher, Gloria, did what she is so good at doing and just dropped off a lovely bouquet and a sweet note of support. Also, another dear friend took time to talk to me and let me cry a little and just listened. That is a precious gift.

So I have about 9 days to go until the appointment with the surgeon and the beginning of the treatment. I want to go there prepared and so I plan to be reading and making a list of questions. That is the advice in the literature and on the websites I have so far looked at. I find I can only do that so long. It gets overwhelming. I need to think about other things and turn off the refrain that plays in my mind over and over . . . "I have cancer. I have breast cancer. Unbelievable. I have cancer." I guess that will be repeating and repeating until it has sunk in and I have accepted this new part of my identity. I think I would rather have some other new label, but this cannot be changed and so I will try to get my heart and mind to incorporate something new about myself.