Changes

After the doctor appointment on Wednesday, Craig and I went out to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. Ironic that we would be discussing surgery and cancer on this day. Really brings home the "for better or worse" part of the contract.

While we were eating, the restaurant manager came by to see if we were satisfied. I spoke up and told him it was our anniversary and asked if he could do anything to help us celebrate. He offered free dessert and I accepted. We enjoyed a cookie-icecream-topping concoction.

Craig looked at me and said, "Where did that come from? You usually don't do anything like that."

I said, "It's the cancer." I've used that response previously to explain a burst of cleaning and organizing at my desk at work just after getting the diagnosis. It is a little wicked to use that explanation. People are shocked and don't quite know how to respond. But, the truth is getting a cancer diagnosis is very motivating to me and I am changing inside and out.

I'm finding that I want to change through this experience. I said to someone else, "What's the use of having cancer if I don't come out different on the other side?" Some changes may only be temporary, like baldness if chemotherapy kills off my hair cells for a time, and others may be, hopefully will be, permanent and eternal.

How do I want to change for the better?
I want to have more wisdom, compassion, faith, and love.
I want to have a more direct connection with the spirit of the Lord and my Heavenly Father.
I want to have one of my great weaknesses, neglect of my body and health, transformed into a great strength, motivation and committment to caring for the miraculous body Heavenly Father gave me.
I want to have strengthened relationships with loved ones of all kinds - family, friends, co-workers, care givers, and other people who are also taking this same journey.
I want to eliminate whatever is unncessary, unfulfilling, unworthy, useless, and unloving from my life.

This is just a very small list. I have so many other ambitions. I feel this period of my life could be a great time of transformation. But, it could also be a flame-out. I am confident that I can be transformed. I told a dear friend that I know I can do anything I set my mind to do. I have seen myself accomplish great things from time to time. Much to the frustration of Craig, sometimes those accomplishments have come with anguish and turmoil at the last possible moment. I haven't been well-organized and planful in many areas. But, along with being confident I am also optimistic. I believe in myself. I believe there is something in me that I cannot even imagine at this time. We shall see. In some ways I am eager to see where this all leads me.

I'm having the experience of a piece of a song run through my head right now. I'll have to ask Craig what it is. The phrase is "cha-cha-changes. . . . " Isn't that from some Beatles song? Now I want to add to my long list of things to do - find songs & music that express and embody the spirit of change, transformation and hope that I feel. I need to start collecting inspirational music. That would be an interesting collection - the music of change.